搞笑5人英语剧本

搞笑5人英语剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》 演员表： 西门吹雪 叶孤城 花满楼 king 旁白

道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。 第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠

旁白：A quiet village is covered with white snow . Birds are dancing in the cold .

A man is walking along the street ,step by step . Wind is coming in silence.

Another mysterious man approaches . Y与X相遇．

X：oH ,I am sorry to knock you ! Y: Ha ha, Never mind bay bay.

X: Excuse me， who are you on earth? Could you tell me your name?

Y: ha ha ,I won’t change my name! no matter what happens. I’m the most famous-------Ye Gucheng. Who are you? X:I am ximen chuixue. Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchui xue? X:Yes,what is wrong?

Y:I heard that you are the best ing Martia lArts? X:Great, you know me !

Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’t kill me! Let me you go! X:No, I must kill you !

Y:Idon''''''''''''''''t want to be killed. There are aeighty-year-old mother and a three-year old son to be looked after by me! X:Noway! Because we are fighting now!you know? Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don''''''''''''''''t force me! X:Pardon! (Y拿出一袋牛奶)

X抢过牛奶:milk, very good! I like drinking it. How do you know that?

Y:please drink it!

X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha, ha Y:Do you still want to kill me? X:Sure, must! Milk is milk.

Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! Very good! I hope you will not forget

what you said!?

X:I’m sure Iwon’t!

Y:I must give youa lesson !If Idon''''''''''''''''t beat your this time, you’ll never behave properly!3-2-1-0! X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach ! Y大笑：Ha Ha……

X可怜状: help! help! Where is the washroom? Y:What ? X:Toliet? Y:What ? X:The “WC”?

Y:Oh,I see ,go along this street and turn right when you see a corssing road! X:Thanks, byebye.

Y掏出纸屑吹:This is genuirnes now!

H:Stop! Protecting the environment is a basic obligation! Y:Who are you?

H:Hua---man----lou! Have you seen ximen chuixue? Y:Yes, he was beaten by me and is in“WC” now, ha…… H惊讶:Now you are the best in the world! Y:You are right!

H:Teriffic! You are the one my king looking for! Do you want join

inus?

Y:Yes,It’s very good.

H:Ok, follow me, Let’s go to see my king! Y:Ok,Let’s go! 第二幕：无间道

H:My dearest ! let me introduce ye gucheng to you! （指Y） this is ye gucheng.

K:sit down plese, ye gucheng.

H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Ye gucheng! Do youwant to follow my king no matter what happens such as cold headache, sair and aids? Y: Yes,I do.

K: Hua manlou, come . put the ring on his finger!（音乐停） X唱着上:Only you……(看到戒子) this ring should be mine! K:But who are you? Why should it belong you?

Y急切: king! Dear king! I must go now, my brother is looking for me! huoxi(维语再见)

K:huoxi? What does that mean? It is not English , isn’t it ? Y:How clever……

X冷酷:ye gucheng! Come here!I want to tell you something! Y抱X的腿:old brother ! Forgive me! X: Forgive me? Why?

Y: Once the re was hachange before me,I lost it. If the god give me anther chance, I’ll tell you“I love you”,If there must be a limited period, I hope it is thousand year!

X:You shall cheat me! all you did are wrong! how can you tell the lady’s“WC”!

Y:I like going lady’s WC .I……I……I think that you like what I like.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)

X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)

K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou? X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”.

K:Don’t

saythat“you

love

me”.

I’

llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!

X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come…(Ｘ上去抓住K)

K:Fuckyou. Imustkillyou! X:Howcanyoukillme? haha……

Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)

K:

thankyouverymuch,

yousaveme.

Now,

I

’

llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou haveavacation.

Y:That’s good. butthereisonemorething. canyougivemea

MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.

K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha…… Y:Hahaha-----

H:Where’ssomewhere? K:What?

Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s“WC”? X:Yes,I……I…… do.

H顶着摇头：X,no, no， youcan’tgotoLady’s “WC”. Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!

X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !

K:

youareright.

onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie.

Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead ! H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !

K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ? H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng------the wifeofX .I’maspy. K惊讶: !you---you---YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?

Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou . atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .

H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning ! K:what amoving story !I was impressed !

Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume ! H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume ! (H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)

Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you------help me . I’ll never dothat again !(Y死，音乐停)

（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起） H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together . X:gohome ! ?

H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !

X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor... promise meyou will survive... that youwillnevergiveup... nomatter what happens... no matter howhopeless... promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.

H: I promise . X:Never let go .

H:Ipromise . Iwill never let go , X.I''''''''ll never letgo.(X死)

H:be

alive

!yeah

,

bealive

!

bealivewithout

.

ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback

thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。） -

Three visits to the cottage————By FRIENDS

Three visits to the cottage（中文名三顾茅庐） is a story from one of the Four Great classical Chinese novels——the Three Kindoms. ZhuGeliang is one of the main characters in the original. Also, he is an outstanding militarist, politician and the symbol of the wisdom in Chinese history. Another main actors——Liubei, who visited ZhuGeliang's thatched cottage three times and wanted to invite him to be his military adviser. Finally, ZhuGeliang was moved by Liubei' sincerity, helped the three brothers——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei to establish the Shu Kindom. He devoted his whole life to the cause and died in harness.

Our script is revised from this story and writed by my classmates of group FRIENDS. In this play, we add many modern and funny elements. For example, there are some spoken lines and actions which were copied from some classical movies like Infernal Affairs(中文名无间道), My Own Swordsman（中文名武林外传）,The Flirting Scholar（中文名唐伯虎点秋香） were combined in our play. Also, we added some interesting pictures and audio to our slide.

Maybe there are some mistakes in our dialogue. But this play is the result of painstaking efforts of our group. So we present our script to you and wish you will like it. Three visits to the cottage

Aside: After their swearing brotherhood to heaven and earth in a peach garden, the three persons——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei-had to be janitors in Caocao's corporation to make a living for they could not find jobs. Meanwhile the legendary and mysterious character ZhuGeliang who had been forced to attend CET-6 test by his wife was reviewing examination contents. SCENE 1: Liubei's home Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei

Guanyu: Brother! We three have been hungry for days and when will this tragic life end? It's so terrible!

Liubei: Yu, it's impossible that I don't feel painful, isn't it? But as the proverb says it is hard to sit in Rome and strive against the Pope. Now we come down to Caocao's corporation as gatekeeper, anyhow we can fill our stomachs between whiles. It's very hard to get work now. No diplomas and no job offers, what are you dreaming about?

Zhangfei: Oh, Brother! ZhuGeliang's wife borrowed us 500yuan to cope with his husband’s CET-6 fees last month, it seems that it's time for us to be debt collectors now.

Guanyu: Yeah, Brother! Or we'll be as poor as church mouse. Liubei: Alas! How did I forget this? Let's go! Go~~ go~! Hurry up! Follow me and go to the mountain for dunning!

Aside: And then the three brothers climb the mountain to find

ZhuGeliang.

SCENE 2: ZhuGeliang’s house Actors: ZhuGeliang Wife

ZhuGeliang: Good morning! I am the genius ZhuGeliang. But I feel so morose recently. Because my wife forced me to pass the CET-6. What’s CET-6? Do you know? You?(Ask the audience) I’ve never heart about that. And she obliged me to read so heavy book

s and do so many texts. It’s ridiculous. My major is military advice, not English. Why should I read this? Wife: Darling!

ZhuGeliang：My wife is coming，she is so long-winded that I can never bear her.

Wife：My dear, how about your study?

ZhuGeliang：These books make me want to doze. I’m dizzy.

Wife：Darling! Now, competition is so serious. If you can’t pass cet6 to get your master’s degree, it is difficult to find a job. I have stayed here for half of a lifetime. But never visit a bigger place like Yangling.

ZhuGeliang：Don’t worry, these books are too easy for your husband and don’t need to learn.

Wife：Are you sure? let me have a test to you. Listen，read and see! ZhuGeliang：A piece of cake!

Wife：Listen, can you spell apple? Desk? ZhuGeliang: Sorry I can’t.

Wife：You can’t? Oh, how unfortunate I am! (crying) I'm wrong, I'm really wrong, I'm wrong from the beginning. I shouldn't marry here. If I didn’t marry here, I'll never in this heartrending place now,

ZhuGeliang：Don’t cry, don’t cry, stop! I ‘m going to study hard at once. Wife (laugh): That's the spirit! Do you know? We are in the red for your Cet6. I even borrowed money from the gate keeper. What can I do when they dun for debts.

ZhuGeliang: Are you pointing to that gatekeeper Liubei? Wife: Oh! Yes! Come on quickly! Boy! Keeper: What is the matter? Madam?

Wife: Listen carefully! My husband is too busy doing his homework to welcome any people, so you will tell the people who calls on him that boss has went to study in England. . Keeper: Yes! Madam!

Aside: While it is going on, liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have came to the gate of ZhuGeliang’s house.

SCENE3 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper Zhangfei: Let me strike the door! Open! Open

Keeper: (Check from the peep hole) Are these men asking for the debt? (Open the door)

Liubei: This is liubei! We are calling on ZhuGeliang and his wife. Keeper: Zhu said he is not in. Liubei: En

Keeper: Oh! No!...I mean …I mean my boss is studying English in England for the exam of CET-6,and he may not be come back this month.

Liubei: OK! We are waiting for him here!

Guanyu: Nobody knows that when he will come back, thus, let’s go home! Aside: The three men went away with disappointed. After a month, the deeply autumn came! They came here at the second time. Unfortunately, they didn’t see Zhugeliang again. Two month passed, the cold winter is coming! It is heavy snow and very cold outsides. ZhuGeliang knows the reason that why they come here three times, and orders the keeper to let them come in whiles his wife is outside.

SCENE4 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper

Zhangfei: Please tell me in time when you would see him next time, let me bind him up for you. It really should not trouble you to come here time and t